Dubya in the Holy Land

"Israeli politics is like karate. You never know where the next chop will come from."
Thus spake the world's ostensibly most powerful man, eloquently encapsulating the complex reality at the root of the world's problems. Observing George Bush in the land of the Jews this week was a fascinating exercise in wishful thinking: is this really the guy who's going to bring peace to the Middle East?

From the moment he appeared at the open door of Airforce One, waving and smiling like a cowboy about to mount the meanest bronco in the rodeo, Bush was relaxed, easygoing, jovial. The warm, confident grin never left his face - not in the mile-long receiving line of Israeli politicians waiting to shake his hand, not in the midst of Israeli children singing and dancing for him at the president's residence and not at the dinner of who's who in Israeli politics as Olmert steered him from one empty conversation to another.

The entire country was on the edge of its seat as the president of the United States made his rounds. Needless to say, the traffic arrangements in Jerusalem were so daunting that people stayed home from work. My daughter's classes were cancelled one day because the teachers were convinced they couldn't get to school. That's the best excuse invented since "the dog ate my homework"!

There probably isn't a single other country that would have received Bush with as much love and admiration as he got here in Israel. Olmert the prime minister positively gushed with praise and kind words for him. The excitement at the airport was so palpable it radiated right though the tv screen; every single one of those salty, manipulative, horse-trading Israeli politicians couldn't wait to run home and tell all their friends they shook hands with the president of the United States of America. It's interesting to note that there was a similar, albeit less intensive ado over Jerry Seinfeld a few weeks ago when he was here to promote his new movie. Both the prime minister and the president rushed to have their photos taken with the Jewish comedian. Despite the attention lavished on little Israel by these great men, we're still stuck in our ghetto inferiority complex. Beneath our achievements in armaments, technology and slow drip irrigation we still can't believe that we deserve to be treated as equal among the nations of the world. "What, the president of the United States is coming to Israel? Give him a visit to remember, because who knows when we'll get this much attention again."

And be sure and send him home with copious gifts. What does one give to a man who owns many oil wells and a ranch in Texas? Olmert's aides were given a mission: find out what Dubya likes. "Bicycling," they reported back. The prime minister presented his guest with a uniform of the Israeli national cycling team (who knew we even had one?)and a GPS system outfitted for a bicycle, complete with information on the road near the ranch. So the next time Bush is lost in the wilderness of the Middle East all he has to do is phone home to Israel. We'll be happy to steer him right back to the road map we've drawn up specially for him.